Stop People-Pleasing and Get Your Life Back.
- donnan80
- Mar 28
- 8 min read
Introduction.
You’re great at what you do—competent, dependable, skilled.
People rely on you. You meet deadlines, keep the peace, step up early, stay late, and spot problems before they explode. You’re the “go-to” person. The safe pair of hands.
But behind the scenes?
You keep it together on the outside, but it’s taking more out of you than anyone realises.
You’re mentally drained, emotionally stretched, and teetering on the edge of burnout.
You say “yes” more than you mean to. You overthink small requests. You put your needs second—or last. You feel a quiet guilt when you put yourself first, and a rising anxiety when you even consider saying “no.”
This isn’t just busyness. This is the hidden cost of people-pleasing.
And it’s more common among high-performing professionals than you might think.
But trying to make others happy at your own expense is not sustainable. If you're looking out for everyone else, who’s looking out for you?
People-pleasing might feel like kindness, but often, it’s something else: a way to avoid conflict, manage perception, and earn your sense of worth. Meanwhile, your own life starts to unravel.
The good news? You can stop. Not all at once—but with awareness, intention, and action, you can start to put yourself back in the picture.
Let’s explore how people-pleasing takes hold, why it’s so hard to break, and how to build lasting confidence—rooted in who you are, not what others expect.
1. Why High Achievers Fall into the People-Pleasing Trap.
It often begins as a professional strategy—fitting in, proving your worth, gaining respect. Especially in hierarchical environments, it can feel safer to be agreeable than to be assertive.
But what starts as helpfulness slowly morphs into a pattern of self-erasure. You become the fixer, the peacekeeper, the over-achiever—because deep down, you believe your value is tied to how much you give, how much you agree, and how little trouble you cause.
Many people-pleasers struggle to accept:
The need to please others is not purely selfless—it’s also about control.
By saying yes, by smoothing things over, by avoiding confrontation, you’re trying to control how others see you. You want to be liked, respected, and seen as indispensable. But the cost is high.
Eventually, you don’t know what you want anymore—only what others expect of you.
And when you constantly put others first, you're teaching them that your time, needs, and boundaries don’t matter.
What would shift if you stopped focusing on being liked—and started focusing on being real?
2. From Performance to Presence: Reclaiming Your Professional Confidence.
When you’re stuck in this cycle, you're not really showing up. You’re performing.
You stay agreeable. You soften your opinions. You hold back your true voice—not because you don’t have something to say, but because you're afraid of how it might land.
This performance wears on your confidence. You stop trusting your instincts. You look outward for reassurance. You become so busy managing others’ perceptions that you lose sight of your own.
Take Sarah. She was the reliable team coordinator—never said no, always took on extra tasks. She was praised for being easy to work with. But inside, she felt anxious, overlooked, and invisible. Her own projects lagged because she was too busy bailing everyone else out. In meetings, she kept quiet—even when she had good ideas.
She wasn’t overlooked because she lacked ability. She was overlooked because she wasn’t fully present. She was performing—polishing the edges of her personality to please others.
Presence is different.
Presence is grounded. It doesn’t mean being loud or dominant—it means being connected to your values and willing to show up as your full self. Even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when it challenges the status quo.
3. Values: The Blueprint for Unshakable Confidence.
This is where values come in. When your decisions are anchored in your values, you no longer rely on external validation to feel good about yourself. You become guided, not reactive.
Start by asking:
When did I feel most proud of my work—and why?
What situations consistently leave me drained or resentful?
What values do I admire in others—and are they visible in how I lead myself?
Define your top values in your own words. For example:
Integrity = Speaking honestly, even in tough conversations.
Growth = Welcoming feedback and challenge.
Respect = Protecting your time and expecting accountability.
Live into these values—not just when it’s easy, but especially when it’s not.
They’ll help you stay grounded when self-doubt creeps in. They’ll give you a filter for what to say yes to—and what to walk away from.
And over time, they’ll shift how others perceive you too. When you're clear, others respect your clarity.
4. Boundaries: The Confidence Skill Most People-Pleasers Avoid.
Let’s be blunt: this pattern thrives in the absence of boundaries.
You say yes when you mean no. You apologise for needing space. You take on more than is reasonable—and then wonder why you feel resentful and depleted.
But boundaries aren’t selfish. They’re essential.
They tell others: I know my limits. I respect my time. I take my responsibilities seriously—but not at the cost of my wellbeing.
Let’s look at James, a senior project manager I coached. He was burning out because he couldn’t say no. His team respected him, but he was exhausted, frustrated, and constantly behind on his own goals.
Together, we worked on redefining boundaries—not as walls, but as guidelines for respectful engagement.
He started small.
When asked to take on a Friday task that would eat into his weekend, he said:“I’m at capacity right now—can we revisit this on Monday?
The reply? "Thanks for letting me know—I’ll reassign it.”
That moment restored a piece of his confidence. Saying no didn’t make him difficult—it made him decisive.
So next time you hesitate, remember: When you say no to something that drains you, you’re saying yes to something that sustains you.
5. The Myths About Being Liked (And Why You Don’t Need Everyone’s Approval).
One of the biggest mindset shifts for people-pleasers is realising this:
Not everyone has to like you—and they won’t.
No matter how kind, generous, or competent you are, there will always be people who don’t connect with you. That’s not a failure—it’s part of being human. When you start believing that being universally liked is the goal, you begin to bend. You shrink your opinions, second-guess your decisions, and silence the parts of you that might ruffle feathers.
But in doing so, you risk disappearing from your own life.
As Jeff Bezos once said, “If you can't tolerate critics, don't do anything new or interesting.” Trying to avoid disapproval might feel like keeping the peace—but in reality, it holds you back. It stops you from growing, challenging, and leading in a way that reflects who you really are.
Approval-seeking keeps you small. And it’s exhausting. It drains your energy, dilutes your standards, and disconnects you from your own goals.
It’s time to stop asking, “Do they like me?” and start asking, “Do I like how I’m showing up?”
Because true confidence doesn’t come from trying to please the room. It comes from standing in your values—even if not everyone applauds.
6. Learning to Say No—And Living with the Guilt.
Saying no can feel impossible when your default setting is to accommodate. People-pleasers often associate refusal with rejection—that saying no makes them selfish, disloyal, or even unkind. But setting boundaries isn’t about closing yourself off. It’s about honouring your own time and capacity.
The guilt that follows saying no isn’t always logical—it’s emotional. According to psychologists like Dr. Susan Newman, guilt for saying no is especially common among those raised in environments where pleasing others was rewarded or expected. But guilt is not a reliable guide. It’s a sign that you’re stretching beyond your comfort zone—not that you’re doing something wrong.
Chronic people-pleasing has been linked to heightened stress levels, poor emotional regulation, and burnout (Mental Health UK, 2023). Over time, always saying yes erodes your sense of control, leading to anxiety and even resentment toward others.
Each no is actually a yes to something else: your health, your priorities, your peace of mind. Start there.
For practical support, check out the book "The Power of a Positive No" by William Ury, which teaches assertive communication without guilt.
7. Vulnerability as a Leadership Strength.
Many professionals still carry the belief that leadership means having it all together—always knowing the answer, always being composed, never letting emotions show. But in reality, strong leadership isn’t about perfection. It’s about honesty. And that’s where vulnerability comes in.
Being vulnerable isn’t about oversharing or being unsure of yourself. It’s about allowing your real thoughts and feelings into the room when it matters. It’s saying, “I’m stretched thin right now, and I need support.” It’s admitting when something doesn’t sit right, even if it would be easier to stay silent. It’s having the courage to challenge ideas respectfully, ask for help without apology, and speak up when a different perspective needs to be heard.
These moments, while small, carry weight. They tell others that you’re human—and that it’s safe for them to be, too. They create space for real conversation, not just polite agreement. And they build trust—because people don’t connect with perfect leaders; they connect with honest ones.
For people-pleasers, this might feel like a huge shift. You're used to smoothing things over, showing the “right” version of yourself. But vulnerability brings something deeper to the table. It replaces performance with presence. And that’s the space where true leadership can grow.
8. Honest Reflection: Your Way Back to Yourself.
If your professional life has been shaped around meeting others’ expectations, it can feel unfamiliar—even unsettling—to ask yourself what you really want. You might hesitate, worry it’s selfish, or draw a blank altogether.
But reflection isn’t about overthinking. It’s about reconnecting. It’s a quiet pause to notice what’s been pushed aside, and to ask whether the life you’ve built still fits who you are today.
It starts with simple, honest questions:
What do I say yes to out of habit, not desire?
Where do I feel most alive in my work—and where do I shrink?
Which parts of my life feel like mine—and which feel like they belong to someone else’s expectations?
You don’t need all the answers. You just need to be willing to ask.
Reflection gives you clarity. It helps you understand why certain roles drain you, why certain interactions feel heavy, and where your values are being nudged aside. And with that clarity, you can begin to make choices that feel more aligned—not more agreeable.
Whether it’s using a journaling prompt, walking in silence, or chatting with a coach, the key is to make space to hear yourself. You’ve likely spent years tuning in to everyone else. It’s time to tune back in to you.
9. Real Confidence Comes From Within.
People-pleasers often seek security through approval. If others are happy, they feel okay. But that kind of confidence is always conditional—and easily shaken.
True confidence isn’t about being liked. It’s about knowing you’ve acted in line with what matters to you, even if others don’t always agree. It’s quiet, steady, and not reliant on applause. It doesn’t show up as arrogance—it shows up as grounded self-respect.
As you begin to say no when it matters, speak up when something’s off, or stop apologising for simply having a boundary—you’ll feel it. That subtle shift. You’ll notice you’re no longer waiting for permission to take up space. You’re no longer checking how others feel before deciding how you feel.
Real confidence grows when your actions match your values. When your voice reflects your truth. And when you stop asking who you need to be—and start showing up as who you are.
This isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about returning to the version of you that’s been there all along—quietly waiting for you to choose yourself.
Final Thoughts: From People-Pleasing to Personal Power.
You don’t have to stop being kind, collaborative, or helpful.
But you do need to stop doing it at your own expense.
Your worth isn’t tied to how easy you are to work with, how much you say yes, or how little space you take up.
You deserve to lead a career—and a life—that reflects who you truly are.
So here’s your invitation:
What’s one small boundary you can honour this week? What would change if you said yes to yourself?
Paula Donnan
Career Coach and Employability Trainer
Need support making that shift? Through coaching, I help professionals reconnect with their values, build real confidence, and communicate with clarity. We don’t just talk change—we create it! If you want to explore this book in for a 15-minute call below.
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